You Were Lucky!
by Purplesprout
Summary: Demeter, Jennyanydots and Jellylorum discuss toms. A short play written in the style of Monty Python, not related to any of my other works. I was bored and I've been watching too much You Tube. Plus, whose day wouldn't be greatly improved without a bit of silliness?


**Oh right yeah the disclaimer! Erm...I do not own Cats. There. Oh and, I wish I could say that this is an original idea, but it's not. I knicked it off Monty Python. Sorry Monty!**

 **Also this might make you chuckle if, like me, you are a little bit insane. If not then its ok. You're normal!**

 **A big thank you to IrredescentDawn443 (love your name btw!) for a rave review! Haha!**

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Jellylorum: Alright love?

Jennyanydots: Yeah Demi how ya doin me duck?

Demeter: Actually not so good today Jenny and Jelly.

Jm: Why what's up?

Js: Yeah you're usually so chipper these days.

D: It's me and Munk.

Jm: What about you's two? Tell me you haven't been fighting again, have you?

D: That would be preferable to what's going on lately. *Starts to cry.

Jm: Oh love! Ere Jenny get us a cup of tea and you can tell us all about it, Dems.

Js: Yeah we're here to help, love.

D: It's just, he's so busy all the time that he hardly ever pays me any attention. When he comes home in the morning after patrolling all night, all I get is a peck on the cheek and a "Morning Honey". Then he eats his tea and goes straight to sleep. He doesn't even say "I love you" when he leaves anymore.

Jm: Peck on the cheek? _Peck on the cheek?_ Oh how I'd have cherished such displays of affection! You're lucky to get a kiss at all, young lady!

D: Am I?

Jm: Aye. When my husband (God rest his soul) came home, all I'd get was a "Where's me tea wench!" Then he'd stuff his face, complain about me cooking and then after that he'd expect me to lie on me back for him!

Js: I used to dream of my husband acknowledging my existence! No, when he'd come home after a week of being God knows where, I'd get a beating to within an inch of me life cos tea weren't on the table and then another one after cos he didn't like the tea.

Jm: Does he say goodbye to you, love? You know, when he leaves?

D: Not always. A lot of the time he's gone before I wake up.

Jm: Ah! That's so considerate of him not to wake you up, ain't it Jenny? Mine used to kick me in the head when I were fast asleep just for fun and then while disappearing on out the door he'd yell, "You'd better be ere when I gets back bitch so I can give you a good thrashing!" I'd look forward to him coming home!

D: That's another thing. Me and Munk want another kitten, but we only get to do it once a week, if that!

Jm: Wow, once a week? Blimey! If I was lucky I'd get it once a month.

Js: Once a year if _I_ were lucky!

Jm: Yeah you're lucky yours actually makes love to you still. Mine used to shout at me, call me a useless fat cow, then he'd rape me. Then I'd have to put up with his bleedin snoring!

Js: Oh! To be shouted at! Mine just used to thrash me with his belt, the he'd half choke me before burying me in the ground.

D: If he buried you how come you're sat here talking to us?

Js: I used to have to dig meself out every morning.

D: Blimey!

Jm: So yeah love. You and Munk. You got something there. Something worth treasuring.

Js: Yeah I'd have loved to have had me a tom like that. He's a good one. Don't you forget it!

Jm: Remember though love. All toms are bastards. You just get different levels of bastard. I'm afraid yours is a low level one which is knight in shining armour territory. Mine were top level bastard all the way through. Couldn't wait for the git to drink himself to death.

Js: I murdered mine.

D: What!?

Js: Oh yeah! When things got so bad and he moved from beating me with a belt to hitting me with the fire poker, I waited till he was asleep and bashed his brains out with a frying pan. So you could always try that dear, see if it works?

Jm: Or you could just go and give him a big kiss from us. Look there he is now come to see ya look. Alright Munk? We were just talking about you! Nothing bad of course!

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 **Hee hee! Thanks for reading. This was based on the Four Yorkshiremen sketch so if you haven't checked it out I really think you should!**


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